This So Called Life

Life; such a funny thing really when you think of it. One word holds millions of variations of meanings. We all think we know what it means until we start to disassemble it and really look at it holistically. And isn’t it in those moments that we are tearing it apart, searching for some definitive answer or inclinations as to what is supposed to be, that we truly understand everything it’s not to be?

They say time changes us, but isn’t it truly experience that changes us? Isn’t it the experience that leads to perspective that truly makes the difference when examining this so-called life?

Then there are the varying hues of shades in which you see life through, each slightly different based on your position in the moment. Truths and mistruths, illusions and allusions are present in every corner of our modern day society.  Learning to read between the variations then too becomes prevalent to the degree in which you observe collectively.

Distorted and distracted from the passion of what life in its most basic form is now drown out by unrealistic societal expectations or norms; further diluting the imagery of life itself. Wrapping our lives up into mechanical feats that often distract us from our truest form.

Our truest form, what is that? Can you even stop to consider that? Some may find it considerably harder than others. Truth be told, modern day living has changed the very course of our livelihoods. Our compassions, our time, our energies, they have in many ways been afflicted by things that further derail us from our truest self.

We live in a world where more than half the people are unhappy with their careers, their relationships, their futures to come; but do we ever stop to think why we do it? Why do we continue to sacrifice our happiness for lives that no longer serve us?

What a strange world we live in where we sacrifice our days for things? Our time is not something we can ever get back and yet we sacrifice it as though it holds no barrier to the course of our happiness.

Is it so commonplace that we as a society have forgotten how to be real with ourselves, how to cater to the needs of our wants, our desires, the passions that lead you back to your truest form? Instead society settles for temporary happiness, one that comes at a cost. Do you understand the value of that cost? Some people pay with their entire lives. Stop to consider what your life is worth to you; consider the prices you are paying. Now understand that you have a choice.

Life is not what society tells us it should be. It is not about social hierarchy, it’s not about wealth, it certainly isn’t about parallel lives on social media platforms. Life is the happiness you grant yourself in the moments between the demands and pressures of modern day living. Now how you depict that, is entirely to your discretion; the purpose here is that you stop to consider what this life means to you.

Free Fall

Vulnerability. Such a dirty little nasty word. For how dare we be real, raw or soft in such a world as today.

I spent the better half of my life putting up walls, walls in which were meant to protect me from a life without morals, without truths, without integrity. Somewhere through the course of my peak, it changed. I no longer wanted to fear anything, I wanted to take every fear I’ve ever had and conquer it with might. I just never understood the depths to which that degree would take me.

Without vanity, I am a very strong individual. I have surpassed burdens and tragedies that would have halted most. But what is brut strength without the ability to be soft? This, even writing this piece, is part of my most vulnerable point. It’s raw and its real in a way most people don’t fathom. And it is my gift to give, for its the horrors in my heart that can spark the flames in others.

I broke down, I cried in a way I hadn’t cried in oh so long. I felt the tears start at my eyes, only to engulf my body as I trembled from uncontrollable sobs. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, where it too shook. Though there was something freeing in falling to my bloodied knees; I no longer felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just felt numb to it all as my body betrayed me with involuntary sobs.

The bittersweet free-fall, thats where my vulnerability led to. For we live in a terribly false world, where false words are spread, and falsehoods are embraced and false relationships are absorbed. We live in a world where people are used and things are loved. Why is that? Why do we see only what we want to see and not what truly is? So to knowingly see this and continue to try to be soft with the world seems like blasphemy. But I urge you to do it anyways. Fall a hundred times over if you have to; free fall from the thick of it all.

Being terribly real in a terribly false world where people presume to know you, presume to see you, presume to hear you is often at the center of what is sought out. So when it feels like the world is against you, when you are pushed to the ledge with no where to go, I hope you take that fall with might. I hope you learn to embrace the dignity it takes to fall away.

Don’t get too near for there’s lions; beware.

My head is foggy and everything I thought I knew and understood seems hazy. It’s as though for the first time I’ve opened my eyes to the sight that was always there, looming, a sight I chose not to see. Why is it that people always see what they want to see? Is it an inner dialogue that strategizes on desires? We know better and yet we allow the fallacies to overcome our instinctual warnings.

For isn’t it true that we see only what we want to see? What happens when you finally see everything as it really was, rather than what you thought it was? Well, when lies are at hand, you sometimes die a little inside.

Entangled in the lies, in the allure of it all. Ignoring all your gut reactions that wards off the dangers that are near. That warns you when conditional lies are at hand. For it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply. To have the emotional side yet understand the rationale of it too; it’s a perfect combination of trust and misguided trust. I think the more damaging question is why do we do it? Why do we risk our hearts, our mental well being for a trust? Trust is a curious thing. It needn’t be earned nor deserving, sometimes it’s given solely from desire.

But it’s the lies that derail me the most. Maybe you don’t hold qualms with lies the way I do, but I destest lies, I detest the very thought of them, the ignigmy of them, their very existence. I feel them at the core of who I am. See, I find courage and strength in owning the truth. So in that very stance, I see cowardice and selfish acts in deceit and lies. I don’t understand how lying has become so commonplace.

Lies rarely elude me, as I feel them at my core. Deep down we all know, maybe not at first, maybe we only sense it, maybe we only wanted to believe in the lies that were told. But hindsight always gives clarity to the moments of passing. And maybe it’s the good in us that pushes away the notion of lies, the notion of deceit, but vibrations rarely lie, and a lie is a lie is a lie.

Lies lead to stolen time that resonates with the essence of robbery. Somewhere along the lines we lost sense of caring, of moral respect, of loving more than oneself, of common decency. I don’t understand it and maybe I never will.

I wonder why we do that? When our gut tells us one thing, but yet we push that warning away and hold on to hope. But it is not hope that lets us down, its people. It’s their actions, or lack thereof. Its the lies; the lies they tell themselves, the lies they tell another.  And yet we continue to be drawn by the fire, for sometimes we want to hear the lies over the truths ever-knowing the deadly aversions it holds.

Maybe it circles back to the fact that humans are selfish, we want what we want, and often times we fail to see the true costs our decisions lead to. We want instant gratification, and we to relish in the delights of our desires. We want ideas more than we often want actions. Maybe thats why people lie. Maybe thats why people cheat people out of the truths.

So what can I tell you? Don’t get too near for there’s lions; beware.

Worth by a Woman

By the time we are children, we females are presented with the very idea of what kind of life we should strive to attain. What type of ideals and roles will matter most. A twist in your thoughts that will forever be changed.

Grow up to be beautiful, dress the role, fall in love, become a wife, become a mother, attain the career. Because those are the everyday underlining commonalities that our youth is understanding, that our society is reinforcing as expected norms. But dare we stop to think of why it’s placed in that order?

And when we speak of beauty, why is it so often objectified as external beauty. Why don’t we think of internal beauty and reflect on it with more worth than physical variations of beauty. Are we so derailed on ideologies and terminations of what beauty is that its only objectified?

As a little girl you dream of becoming successful, independent, strong and powerful, but what happens when you grow up to be that very woman? What happens when you defy the double standards? Well, you start to see things clearly. You start to see them as they truly are rather than what people want you to see.

We live in a society where we toss around words like equality. Equality, do you know what that is? We often think we do but fail to see the subtle differences.

We think there is gender equality, but there’s not.

We think that because women have the same rights men do, we’re equals; we’re not.

We think that because there are laws in place women are given the same rights, the same opportunities; we’re not.

We are told we can become anything that we want to become. Anything in the world. But what happens when you become the very person you set out to be?

You dreamt of living a life where you were proud of the person you became. Where you feel worthy of the life you have led. You quickly realize that the life you have chosen to have, chosen to maintain, comes with stakes that are costly.

Success is often mirrored in masculinity; shown in images opposite your gender. So is it possible that a woman can be both soft and feminine while still having a dominate and powerful with a touch of masculinity? Well, yes, but those women are often coined as high maintenance and deemed intimidating.

Women have continuously strived to attain equality by taking on MORE roles, more responsibilities, more more more. Women didn’t want to just be mothers, so we allowed them to have jobs, which led to education opportunities which led to actual careers all in addition to being the wife, to maintaining the roles of motherhood. When compared to fatherhood, motherhood is commonly scaled in weights for physical, emotional and intellectual strifes whereas the father is weighted by his ability to financially support his home. But that was just a thing of the past, how it use to be, not how it is? Or is it? Isn’t it fair to say theres still underlining tones in our present day society?

All I am saying here is that, women should be weighted in their worth by who they are; by their character, by their integrity, by their personality, by their intellect first and foremost. These others roles women take on, should only be a contribution to who she is, to how she is seen.

So the next time you look at a women, I hope you really see her. Really see her for her entire worth.

Time Tells a Tale

And no one will ever understand the depths of grief, until one goes through it themselves. No one will ever question the value of life quite like you will the moment you are weighted with the loss of it.

Life asked Death, “Why do people love me and hate you?” Death replied, “Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.”

What if I were to ask you to look at life as a beautiful lie, how would you picture it? What would you see? We all understand that no one will survive this life, that we will all die, some with a long life, some shorter. But what of life is there, that we continue to negate the importance of living? We find ourselves inside this matrix of repetitive tasks that are coated as responsibilities, as expectations, but do we ever stop to question how they actually bring quality to our life?

Must we only value life to its fullest when we are at crosshairs with great losses? Why is it that the absence of life often is our primary reminder of the grave value of life?

Buddah, once said, “The trouble is you think you have time.” I believe that there is great truth to that. For tomorrow has stolen too many dreams and we as individuals often comfort ourselves by believing we have time. For if you were honest, and you saw through the lie of life, you would see that you don’t have time. You have no promise of time, so what you do, in this moment, in this hour, in this day, is all you are promised.

Time is the most important part of our life and yet we often take it for granted. What if you were to measure your days with time, how would you measure it?  Or better yet, compare it to monetary value. We are given 86,471 seconds each day, each day we have those seconds to use and what we don’t use, goes to waste. And what we make of those seconds are never to be returned.

Now if I were to ask you how you were to spend $86,471 dollars that were given to you daily, you would automatically shift your mindset to how you would absorb that day. Time is no different than that, now is it? Oh but you’re still not quite certain that time holds greater significance than money? Ponder this: Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found once it is lost; “life.”

Most often times we hear people whom are at the end of their life lines relishing in the reflection of their time. Pay attention. We mustn’t comfort ourselves with the delusion that time is on our side; that is a fallacy, that is a hope.  Hope is possibly the only thing greater than fear, but there is a fine line between hope and delusion. Understand that we dilute our lives with lies, innocent white lies that ultimately change the course of our directions and further shape our lives.

Remember to value your time, remember it’s a gift. Quite possibly the greatest gift of life. I hope you count your days in seconds and measure your worth by time. For life can sometimes be a beautiful lie, one thats often seen at the end of the line. Don’t wait for that, the time is now.

Dating; at it’s worst

Modern day dating, it’s a joke right? Or could it at least come with a hand guide? Some kind of identifier so you don’t have to use your heart as a punching bag for this process of elimination. Seriously, what the hell? Have you tried dating these days? Well have you? For your sake I hope not.

Lets pretend for half a second that you actually get past the meeting point. You know the kind where you spend countless hours sifting through online dating sites, pretending to carry conversation on the most basic insights to your life to an utter stranger; via text. Meeting people out, unless its a mutual connection, is well, a seemingly dying phase.

And even if you do get past the first date, you know the one where you determine if you could actually like this person and want to know them better, it doesn’t get much easier from there. Now we get to add in terms like ghosting, bread crumbing, zombie-ing, benching, catfishing or catch-and-release. Don’t know what these terms mean? Well, again, wouldn’t a handbook be grand? Try Google.

Mental games are played and emotions are seared. Honesty seems to be an impossible feat, for no one ever says what they mean, for that would go against some unbound rule. It’s as though there are unspoken rules in mannerisms and actions, but finding the baseline of these rules, isn’t to be found.

Then there is the sexual aspect. Why are there different rules for men versus women? Why is it that the very moment sex comes into play, everything always changes? What about finally getting what you want (both sexes) suddenly loses the thrall? Can women not have the same wants, the same desires, without hindrance? Is it about the idea of capturing control, of capturing the target?

And what is dating actually? It feels like everyone is dating multiple people at once and yet no one ever talks about it. No one ever communicates, for fear of losing what they do have. Wouldn’t it be easier to just state that you’re openly dating others? Wouldn’t that cut back on the half-truths and misdirection? As a women, I would almost prefer to know, for it doesn’t always have to be a one way street, thats a myth. And even if that truth ended it, isn’t it fair? Must we be so greedy with other people’s hearts? Undoubtedly, that is what is invested, to some degree.

Is it me or is it absolutely ludicrous that the whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone, but no one actually shows themselves in their basic form. That is inadvertantly shown through time, time that often isn’t granted. Then theres the numbers game. How many people that are involved in the mix, then changes the way you show yourself or the lights in which you are seen. Is it completely lost that people date to get to know another person?

Then theres the emotions. Women don’t get there on their own, but more times than not, it feels like women are left emotionally without much communication or acknowledgment. It starts with a common path, often times led by the male, only to be left by the male. Is there some kind of ability men have to turn emotions on and off? Can someone please explain to me how men have the unprecidient ability to make women feel crazy?

Let’s not even dive deeply into social media, but there is absolute truths that it plays a pivotal part in modern-day dating. The obsessive stalking, the validations, the constant touch of knowing what entities are present in others lives, the pops of updates to their lives. Most often, we as a society use social media to present our best self, to show the world as we want to be seen and not as we truly are in raw form. Social media too, has changed the mannerism in how we now date.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? So elusive? So much of a game. I almost don’t want to play it, for how can you play a game, if you don’t know the rules in which to play by.

A Fatherless Father’s Day

Where do I even begin? I already know this isn’t for you, this is for me. This is my story to tell, and to tell it for years, was shameful for me. I was embarrassed but for the first time, I finally understood that shame and embarrassment wasn’t mine to bare, it was yours. And yours alone.

As long as I can remember, I remember the story being told to me about how you  incessantly prayed up until the moment I was born for me to be a boy. Imagine that for a moment will you? Envision a little girl hearing this story over and over her developing years and consider how that might have had a founding impression. Then remember you were never apart of my life. You put shame on being female and for what? Because it made you giggle? Because it made you feel superior?

Why was it so hard for you to love me? For you to want me? Why didn’t you fight for me when I couldn’t fight for myself? I was a child and all I ever wanted from you was love, was protection. From the moment I was born, you failed to be there in any measurable scope and yet you look back today as though your countless acts of abandonment held no bearing.

I think of you and all I feel are lies and cowardice acts, I feel them to the depths of my bones. Your inability to take ownership in every shortcoming has shaped me. Your words are so thickly coated with lies and depleted of truths that it makes it impossible to try. Is that why you hold on to them so deeply, because the lies you tell become the protection you need to feel for your actions, or lack thereof?

What would have happened if I would have listened to you when you told me not to go to college? Can you not understand your words have consequences? Oddly, I am grateful you tried taking my future from me too. For those words were what replayed with every hurdle I had to overcome and every battle I fought just to keep afloat. For every time it was hard, because believe me just making it was hard, your words were harder.

You remember, that was of course after graduating high school early just so I could work full time. For even high school required my employment to power the price of a home that neither you nor Valerie seemed fit to provide me. To even try to provide me. You didn’t even care enough to concern yourself with how I was making it. Why would you?

So pardon me if I get dizzy from the delusions. You call me at random in my adulthood and carry on a conversation as though you knew me. As though you were apart of my life. As though I mattered to you.  You have no real understanding how badly you failed; not just once, but four times; four lives. Sometimes I wonder how you live with yourself but then I remember its no bother to you, for you don’t have any accountability for your actions. You’ve never had to.

But why do you hide behind the lies? Sometimes my stomach churns merely at the thought of the things you broke me with. You left me my entire life, you refused to claim me purely because of sex, you choose a woman over your children for decades to come, you choose to turn a blind eye when I needed you most, you choose yourself amongst the rest, you choose greed, you choose everything but me. You can’t even be honest with your wife about the half attempts you’ve made in my adulthood.

Your inability to stand up and be a man is the defining reason I grew up to be so outspoken, so raw, so blatantly honest, so mighty, so masculine. I learned to be everything you failed to be. Through all of your wrong doings, I understand everything I didn’t want my world to be, everything I could not be. I am not anything like you.

I don’t mean for my words to cut, but they do cut, and they cut because of your actions, not because of my truths. They cut because you caused irrefutable damage to lives, to the very people you were suppose to protect and you are oblivious to.

The walls I have built to protect myself from such casualties are yours to claim, built by the hands of your actions. You want to pretend as though I never died a hundred times over by you, but I want to pretend like you cared.

Parents have a duty to protect their children, to love them, to nourish them. You didn’t do that, you didn’t even try. I don’t care to hear the excuses, I don’t dare dive into your absurdities, but I beg of you for actions if you continue to live in this delusion. I forgive you for the past but I must protect my future. Take action or take flight, but make a decision, a decision you can live with.

Until then, thank you for teaching me how unfair life can be, for showing me how strong I can be. For I am everything you are not. I am everything you couldn’t be. I am strong, I am honest, I am brave, I am righteous, I am love, I am selfless, I am wise.

Thank you for life.