Still Not Asking For It

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Oh how quickly we are trained to pass judgment. With a caption and cover photo like this, how could you not? Well isn’t that the very question? Why is it that we as a society are so quick to judge? To place thought and opinion most often times on matters that seemingly play no relevance or sustenance in our lives?

Judgment, as defined by the dictionary is the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought. Careful thought, now, that’s not something I would initially think of when considering judgments that have been passed on me or most others for that matter. Judgment is passed every second, every minute, every hour of each waking day; its almost inadvertently instilled in our mindset. Collectively, we understand that it’s typically a negative action, and yet we continue to do it. We continue to do it without ownership of the effects our actions cause.

Though judgment can be internalized to where opinions formed are not verbally spoken, it doesn’t dignify them any more or less. For its not just our words, its our body language, its our demeanor, its the very mechanics of how we see the world through our eyes. And often times we fail to see that the judgements passed has little to do with the person we are judging and almost everything to do with the person passing judgment.

Most often, judgements are derived from insecurities, fears, loneliness or even the desire to seek change. And yet, we continue to impose and redirect our thoughts on others to further deter from the root cause; our own self. For the act of judgment is an act of pride, of monumental-enormous pride, stupendous pride, galling pride and this should be explicitly understood. When we render judgment, we have taken it upon ourselves to render thought without being aware of the consequences to following, without taking care of the responsible entities.

Morality is within us all; one of the very first things we are taught in society is right versus wrong. As children, we recognize decency and purity but somewhere along the lines of entering adulthood we have systematically changed the root definition of how we should treat others and we justify such behavior with self serving pride and ignorance.

Now, thats not to say that all judgements are derived from self gain and negativity, but the fact remains that judgments are meant to separate people, they are meant to alienate and scrutinize, which often times are derivatives of negativity. We must not only understand the potency of such hasty actions but take ownership in our own actions that lead us to such judgment. Though ownership alone is not enough, for in order to grow, we must first address and correct the core issues that derive judgment.

We must exemplify the change we seek. That is, we must show the very love that we desire from others. And a good step toward loving others is to develop an honest love of ourselves. We mustn’t risk squandering our own purposeful existence; we mustn’t continue to walk in lockstep with the crowd. Inheriting and owning bigotries, prejudices and hatred is a most irreverent betrayal of our right as free thinkers. We’ve seen where this divisive judgement has taken us. When we lose our judgmental tendencies, we will enhance our human experience.

Henry David Thoreau once said:

“It’s not what you look at that matters.
It’s what you see.”

 

Enough

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To be a woman in a world where sexual assault is at its highest peak of terror in correlation to what society will turn a blind eye to is difficult to absorb. To explain to someone who has never had to worry about walking alone in a darken street, to someone who has never had their sobriety hazed to further break down their guards of protection, to someone who has never felt the terrors, the fears, the violations of physical and emotional sexual assault. So let me try, let me try to explain to you in such a way, you consider the utter importance of a woman’s choice, of a woman’s body, mind and state. And what you do with that, depicts how each and every one of us has a choice to stand up or stand down.

We see the news, we hear the stories, but yet, we turn away from talking about it, from doing something about it. We turn a blind eye to the courageous women that surely composed all of their strength, integrity and dignity just to find a voice to speak out about the trauma that was violently smeared upon them. And yet most of us do not do one single thing to aid in these victims horrors, we barely even speak of it. For what does that silence signify? That their problem is not our problem? That though it’s terrible and tragic that they must move on? Or maybe that the authorities will do whatever is deemed necessary to help them, so our actions do not matter? Can you honestly say you believe that? Can you honestly say that there is nothing that you or I can do to help aid in their cause? To help bring justice to their assailant? Because I assure you, that is exactly what silence feels like to the victims.

It wasn’t enough to have their bodies taken from them, to have their sense of security shattered, to have their emotional psyche perished. No, that’s not enough, because for these victims to step up and speak their truth, means they have to relive that terror over and over again in stories, in statements, in memory, in audiences. Furthermore, they often have their integrity devoured in the process of proving the sexual assault, which only leads to deeper violations of the overall assault.

Stop for a second and consider what it might be like to have to prove yourself of such an unwanted violation. Common questions such as: What were you wearing? Did you provoke him? Did you scream? Were you drinking? Why did you wait so long to report this? Could you be exaggerating? Did you actually say no? Do you have proof? Now imagine you are at the end of your rope, you feel drained emotionally, physically and intellectually and you gave every ounce of courage it took to put to words the actions of sexual assault and now you are asked to prove yourself? And we wonder why so many violations go unreported.

In a world where you are innocent until proven guilty, sexual violations are an open range and abusers actively use the damage of the assault to their advantage to further devoid them of any real consequence for their deadly actions. Sexual assault comes in many forms that isn’t bias to gender, race or age. It is more than just forcible touch, its emotional coercion, its unwanted advances, its physical, verbal and emotional on varying degrees of the spectrum. The darkest part of this truth? The assailant isn’t always the stranger, sometimes it’s the ones you trust most.

Understand that sexual assault is not something to joke about, it’s not something to dehumanize in words nor a lack of actions. It shouldn’t be so commonplace or as widespread as it is in present day society. And it certainly shouldn’t be ignored to the degree in which it has been. When is enough, enough?

Maya Angelou once said, “ Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women.” To all the survivors out there, if you haven’t already, I hope you find your voice, I hope you learn to let go of the shame and guilt that was never yours to hold. I hope you know that the truth can set you free. I hope you know you are not alone.

To be a survivor is something that will forever change the course of ones life, and the number of survivors that are out there are roughly 1 in every 20, so if you are survivor please know your story matters, please know that you matter. Understand that you did absolutely nothing to deserve such a violation, and even though I might not know you, understand that I will help you in any way that I can. I will not silence you. I will not stand down.

The Road Less Traveled

I am sure you’ve read the poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost at some point in your life, or if you haven’t I strongly suggest you do. As the poem bellows to an end, Frost puts into words, a pivotal point that touches most of our lives. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

The road less traveled, what does that mean exactly? Well it can mean a variations of things, but what I most resonate it with, is going against the main stream of life. The road less traveled indeed. Can you picture that, what the main stream of life means to you and the expectations that holds? Whose expectations are you living up to?

Sometimes I like to defy expectations simply because it is my choice to do so. And sometimes it is in my actions, or my self expression that I go against the main stream simply because I was told I couldn’t, or I shouldn’t. Albeit there are consequences that are carried with such definitive actions, but I do it anyways. For the judgements to come, the slander to escape from those said actions, only show other’s character in their truest forms. And sometimes, we don’t see the masks of those around us, until we are caught in the crosshairs of beating to your own drum.

Though I appreciate a structure of some sort, a foundation per say that society has built for our modern day living, its not enough. For it is our freedoms in this life that allows us to thrive; our freedom of thought, of choice, of speech that I seek the most.

I believe we all wear a mask to some degree when confronted with the world we live in. When going into the world whether it be virtual or realistic, we choose to play a part, and the part we play depends wholly on the person we decide to be. For we decide to act in a certain manner, dress in a certain manner, and speak in a certain manner; a choice that is definitive on the road we choose to travel. We choose to play part of a role, and regardless to if we stop and question it, it has become deeply engrained in us, so much so, that its become second nature.

Questioning the authenticity of that statement, maybe even considering if it rings any truth to you? Consider this the next time you’re in public, assess how you demonstrate social etiquette, how you display a persona from the clothes you wear to the words you speak dependent upon the audience and environment.

It is natural to want to fit in, it is natural to fear being outcasted by our decisions, by our actions, by our choices.  But at some point we have to decide what is more important, that fear or that freedom? This isn’t the one size fits all life that social expectations push us to conform towards. But to go against the grain requires courage and resilience; the very reason why this road is less traveled. Not all of us are capable of putting down our masks and showing the world ourselves in our rawest form. Not everyone is built to defy expectations that do not conform to our deepest desires. For if it were easy, wouldn’t everyone do it?

I think part of the problem lies in the issue that we sometimes dilute the very course of our actions. We fail to recognize that every action, every decision leads to a greater one in some form or another. And if we don’t find it in us to stop and assess the picture at large, we won’t recognize how far down the road we’ve gone until we realize the choice we’ve led is no longer ours. So I challenge you to do just that.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Don’t get too near for there’s lions; beware.

My head is foggy and everything I thought I knew and understood seems hazy. It’s as though for the first time I’ve opened my eyes to the sight that was always there, looming, a sight I chose not to see. Why is it that people always see what they want to see? Is it an inner dialogue that strategizes on desires? We know better and yet we allow the fallacies to overcome our instinctual warnings.

For isn’t it true that we see only what we want to see? What happens when you finally see everything as it really was, rather than what you thought it was? Well, when lies are at hand, you sometimes die a little inside.

Entangled in the lies, in the allure of it all. Ignoring all your gut reactions that wards off the dangers that are near. That warns you when conditional lies are at hand. For it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply. To have the emotional side yet understand the rationale of it too; it’s a perfect combination of trust and misguided trust. I think the more damaging question is why do we do it? Why do we risk our hearts, our mental well being for a trust? Trust is a curious thing. It needn’t be earned nor deserving, sometimes it’s given solely from desire.

But it’s the lies that derail me the most. Maybe you don’t hold qualms with lies the way I do, but I destest lies, I detest the very thought of them, the ignigmy of them, their very existence. I feel them at the core of who I am. See, I find courage and strength in owning the truth. So in that very stance, I see cowardice and selfish acts in deceit and lies. I don’t understand how lying has become so commonplace.

Lies rarely elude me, as I feel them at my core. Deep down we all know, maybe not at first, maybe we only sense it, maybe we only wanted to believe in the lies that were told. But hindsight always gives clarity to the moments of passing. And maybe it’s the good in us that pushes away the notion of lies, the notion of deceit, but vibrations rarely lie, and a lie is a lie is a lie.

Lies lead to stolen time that resonates with the essence of robbery. Somewhere along the lines we lost sense of caring, of moral respect, of loving more than oneself, of common decency. I don’t understand it and maybe I never will.

I wonder why we do that? When our gut tells us one thing, but yet we push that warning away and hold on to hope. But it is not hope that lets us down, its people. It’s their actions, or lack thereof. Its the lies; the lies they tell themselves, the lies they tell another.  And yet we continue to be drawn by the fire, for sometimes we want to hear the lies over the truths ever-knowing the deadly aversions it holds.

Maybe it circles back to the fact that humans are selfish, we want what we want, and often times we fail to see the true costs our decisions lead to. We want instant gratification, and we to relish in the delights of our desires. We want ideas more than we often want actions. Maybe thats why people lie. Maybe thats why people cheat people out of the truths.

So what can I tell you? Don’t get too near for there’s lions; beware.

Worth by a Woman

By the time we are children, we females are presented with the very idea of what kind of life we should strive to attain. What type of ideals and roles will matter most. A twist in your thoughts that will forever be changed.

Grow up to be beautiful, dress the role, fall in love, become a wife, become a mother, attain the career. Because those are the everyday underlining commonalities that our youth is understanding, that our society is reinforcing as expected norms. But dare we stop to think of why it’s placed in that order?

And when we speak of beauty, why is it so often objectified as external beauty. Why don’t we think of internal beauty and reflect on it with more worth than physical variations of beauty. Are we so derailed on ideologies and terminations of what beauty is that its only objectified?

As a little girl you dream of becoming successful, independent, strong and powerful, but what happens when you grow up to be that very woman? What happens when you defy the double standards? Well, you start to see things clearly. You start to see them as they truly are rather than what people want you to see.

We live in a society where we toss around words like equality. Equality, do you know what that is? We often think we do but fail to see the subtle differences.

We think there is gender equality, but there’s not.

We think that because women have the same rights men do, we’re equals; we’re not.

We think that because there are laws in place women are given the same rights, the same opportunities; we’re not.

We are told we can become anything that we want to become. Anything in the world. But what happens when you become the very person you set out to be?

You dreamt of living a life where you were proud of the person you became. Where you feel worthy of the life you have led. You quickly realize that the life you have chosen to have, chosen to maintain, comes with stakes that are costly.

Success is often mirrored in masculinity; shown in images opposite your gender. So is it possible that a woman can be both soft and feminine while still having a dominate and powerful with a touch of masculinity? Well, yes, but those women are often coined as high maintenance and deemed intimidating.

Women have continuously strived to attain equality by taking on MORE roles, more responsibilities, more more more. Women didn’t want to just be mothers, so we allowed them to have jobs, which led to education opportunities which led to actual careers all in addition to being the wife, to maintaining the roles of motherhood. When compared to fatherhood, motherhood is commonly scaled in weights for physical, emotional and intellectual strifes whereas the father is weighted by his ability to financially support his home. But that was just a thing of the past, how it use to be, not how it is? Or is it? Isn’t it fair to say theres still underlining tones in our present day society?

All I am saying here is that, women should be weighted in their worth by who they are; by their character, by their integrity, by their personality, by their intellect first and foremost. These others roles women take on, should only be a contribution to who she is, to how she is seen.

So the next time you look at a women, I hope you really see her. Really see her for her entire worth.

Time Tells a Tale

And no one will ever understand the depths of grief, until one goes through it themselves. No one will ever question the value of life quite like you will the moment you are weighted with the loss of it.

Life asked Death, “Why do people love me and hate you?” Death replied, “Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.”

What if I were to ask you to look at life as a beautiful lie, how would you picture it? What would you see? We all understand that no one will survive this life, that we will all die, some with a long life, some shorter. But what of life is there, that we continue to negate the importance of living? We find ourselves inside this matrix of repetitive tasks that are coated as responsibilities, as expectations, but do we ever stop to question how they actually bring quality to our life?

Must we only value life to its fullest when we are at crosshairs with great losses? Why is it that the absence of life often is our primary reminder of the grave value of life?

Buddah, once said, “The trouble is you think you have time.” I believe that there is great truth to that. For tomorrow has stolen too many dreams and we as individuals often comfort ourselves by believing we have time. For if you were honest, and you saw through the lie of life, you would see that you don’t have time. You have no promise of time, so what you do, in this moment, in this hour, in this day, is all you are promised.

Time is the most important part of our life and yet we often take it for granted. What if you were to measure your days with time, how would you measure it?  Or better yet, compare it to monetary value. We are given 86,471 seconds each day, each day we have those seconds to use and what we don’t use, goes to waste. And what we make of those seconds are never to be returned.

Now if I were to ask you how you were to spend $86,471 dollars that were given to you daily, you would automatically shift your mindset to how you would absorb that day. Time is no different than that, now is it? Oh but you’re still not quite certain that time holds greater significance than money? Ponder this: Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found once it is lost; “life.”

Most often times we hear people whom are at the end of their life lines relishing in the reflection of their time. Pay attention. We mustn’t comfort ourselves with the delusion that time is on our side; that is a fallacy, that is a hope.  Hope is possibly the only thing greater than fear, but there is a fine line between hope and delusion. Understand that we dilute our lives with lies, innocent white lies that ultimately change the course of our directions and further shape our lives.

Remember to value your time, remember it’s a gift. Quite possibly the greatest gift of life. I hope you count your days in seconds and measure your worth by time. For life can sometimes be a beautiful lie, one thats often seen at the end of the line. Don’t wait for that, the time is now.

Dating; at it’s worst

Modern day dating, it’s a joke right? Or could it at least come with a hand guide? Some kind of identifier so you don’t have to use your heart as a punching bag for this process of elimination. Seriously, what the hell? Have you tried dating these days? Well have you? For your sake I hope not.

Lets pretend for half a second that you actually get past the meeting point. You know the kind where you spend countless hours sifting through online dating sites, pretending to carry conversation on the most basic insights to your life to an utter stranger; via text. Meeting people out, unless its a mutual connection, is well, a seemingly dying phase.

And even if you do get past the first date, you know the one where you determine if you could actually like this person and want to know them better, it doesn’t get much easier from there. Now we get to add in terms like ghosting, bread crumbing, zombie-ing, benching, catfishing or catch-and-release. Don’t know what these terms mean? Well, again, wouldn’t a handbook be grand? Try Google.

Mental games are played and emotions are seared. Honesty seems to be an impossible feat, for no one ever says what they mean, for that would go against some unbound rule. It’s as though there are unspoken rules in mannerisms and actions, but finding the baseline of these rules, isn’t to be found.

Then there is the sexual aspect. Why are there different rules for men versus women? Why is it that the very moment sex comes into play, everything always changes? What about finally getting what you want (both sexes) suddenly loses the thrall? Can women not have the same wants, the same desires, without hindrance? Is it about the idea of capturing control, of capturing the target?

And what is dating actually? It feels like everyone is dating multiple people at once and yet no one ever talks about it. No one ever communicates, for fear of losing what they do have. Wouldn’t it be easier to just state that you’re openly dating others? Wouldn’t that cut back on the half-truths and misdirection? As a women, I would almost prefer to know, for it doesn’t always have to be a one way street, thats a myth. And even if that truth ended it, isn’t it fair? Must we be so greedy with other people’s hearts? Undoubtedly, that is what is invested, to some degree.

Is it me or is it absolutely ludicrous that the whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone, but no one actually shows themselves in their basic form. That is inadvertantly shown through time, time that often isn’t granted. Then theres the numbers game. How many people that are involved in the mix, then changes the way you show yourself or the lights in which you are seen. Is it completely lost that people date to get to know another person?

Then theres the emotions. Women don’t get there on their own, but more times than not, it feels like women are left emotionally without much communication or acknowledgment. It starts with a common path, often times led by the male, only to be left by the male. Is there some kind of ability men have to turn emotions on and off? Can someone please explain to me how men have the unprecidient ability to make women feel crazy?

Let’s not even dive deeply into social media, but there is absolute truths that it plays a pivotal part in modern-day dating. The obsessive stalking, the validations, the constant touch of knowing what entities are present in others lives, the pops of updates to their lives. Most often, we as a society use social media to present our best self, to show the world as we want to be seen and not as we truly are in raw form. Social media too, has changed the mannerism in how we now date.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? So elusive? So much of a game. I almost don’t want to play it, for how can you play a game, if you don’t know the rules in which to play by.