Gripped by Grief

It is a blessing and a curse to feel things so very deeply, for grief knows no time, grief has no boundaries nor limitations. It comes in waves and it comes by way of its own path. It creeps up on you in the middle of the night, reaffirmed by the silence surrounding you, intensified by the still of the night. Crippled by the words; you hear your thoughts, you hear your woes, you hear your heartache echoing.

Grief, what is that? It’s not a one size fits all category, for it is entirely subjective to the person, the circumstances and the implicit sorrows. A natural part to the cycle of life, but one of the most unnatural feelings to absorb. It has the ability to take over your entire being if you are not careful. It cuts through your world like a savage tornado, displacing everything in its path, leaving your life in pieces of debris of what was once seemingly whole.

Even after the initial shock wears off and you find the courage to let go of denial, you are left to deal with the earth shattering hole in your heart, your heart that was once whole. Taken aback by the lack of control you have, feeling slighted and betrayed even by your own involuntary emotions and physical reactions, for even your body betrays you at times. Confusion and anger stay at bay in most of your everyday thoughts, egging at you, reminding you of the pain in your heart, reminding you the hole that has taken its toll.

Time becomes a pivotal part in finding solace in grief. People say, that time heals all wounds, but does it really? For what is time? Isn’t time merely a reflection of change? What if, from change, our brains construct a sense of time as if it were flowing, a fallacy per say? So maybe it isn’t time that heals the ache, maybe its moments in between where we find the courage to let go, to smile, to continue on, to shine again that we truly heal.

What we often fail to see, though, is that grief is for the living, it is a knee jerk reaction to the plethora of emotions that follow the loss of a loved one. It matters most to us, as we are at the center of the pain that follows. For even the world continues to spin forward when you find your world off spun by such insurmountable losses. And as the newness to the loss unfolds to the lives touching you, it is then, when we often find ourselves the loneliest. For the world has continued to move forward and inevitably you are feel adrift.

Maybe your head is clear enough to see the world whizzing by, maybe not, maybe you can only concentrate on the quicksand that has stopped you dead in your tracks. Maybe you will find the strength to stammer forward, maybe you won’t. All of which is entirely subjective; completely dependent of what we want, of what we seek. Grief is only as relative as we allow it to be; its not just the wreckage of emotions that leave havoc on your world, its your lesson too. For it is in these moments that we are allowed to fall to our knees and feel the earth shattering ache that comes over us, until eventually that throb begins to lessen, and the ache no longer stabs at the heart. To be human is to feel and to feel is the core element of living. Though its in the midst of the storm, that I hope that these words find you. I hope you find the beauty in the pain, for its pain that truly allows us to grow, to heal. 

The Lesson

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If you believe like I believe, there is a lesson in all that we do. The question is if you are bold enough to see it.

Someone once told me that people don’t come in to your life by happenstance, they come because of a reason, a purpose, regardless of how miniscule or profound, how deep the relationship or how foreign. Even utter strangers can be put in your life for a reason. The reason, is the lesson. Sometimes you find yourself the teacher, other times you find yourself the pupil. And when that purpose is served, that lesson is filled, relations often dissipate. Or maybe not, maybe the lesson continues to repeat itself until you learn to master it, maybe that’s the reason for commonalities.

Now what you do with that consideration is yours and yours alone. But can you consider the possibility of it?

Isn’t that what life is all about? One great big lesson? We think we understand what problems we have in the world, but so often we fail to actually see the truth to our problems. Instead we fixate on annoyances or imperfections in our life and disguise them as problems, further denying the lesson below the surface. Maybe we become so fixated in our problems that we dilute the lessons at hand.

What if for one moment you considered that everyone and everything that touches your life is being drawn to you for some reason or another? Maybe that reason isn’t always for you to receive, but for you to give. Can you imagine, that you as a stranger have the ability to touch another person’s life. To consider that maybe a simple compliment or spark of conversation to an utter stranger, could be a factor in changing someone’s course of their entire day? What if that person lost hope in humanity and just needed a little reaffirmation that kindness can prevail. Now, can you consider that one compliment to an utter stranger could leave you in the position of being a teacher? Could be the action that changed the very course of someone’s day?

Or maybe a lesson continues to recur throughout your life, maybe you continue to see the same actions and courses over and over again. Have you ever noticed the same form of circumstances continuing to unfold throughout your life? Not verbatim, but similar situations, similar occurrences, similar woes? What if, that is a form of a lesson, a lesson life continues to throw at you, until you find the wherewithal to master the lesson? Does that change your perspective any?

Now, maybe that belief, that thought pattern is not one you’ve pondered on. Not one you ever considered. For, I certainly had not ever looked at the world through those sights.

But isn’t it possible? Isn’t it logical? If we take away the doubt for just one moment to truly assess and ponder. Isn’t it true, that we all believe that there are variations of life lessons? And isn’t it typically those life lessons that impact us the most? Maybe we only recognize the most impactful life lessons due and fail to acknoledge the minor life lessons we learn and teach. Isn’t that a plausible way of looking at our lives as one stream of ongong lessons?

For isn’t it true that we actively learn and grow day in and day out? What of that? Do those lessons not account for profound meaning even if they didn’t come at a higher cost? Maybe we need to stop looking at our troubles at a surface level, and start to dig deeper into the foundation of what the lesson at hand could be. For I believe, that life is a series of nonstop lessons, and some days we are the pupil and some days we are the teacher. Maybe, just maybe, this is your lesson.